I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
