Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
