I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Vodka?
Forever.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
