My girlfriend figured out who you are.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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