i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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