the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
