Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
