NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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