apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
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