So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
