you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
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When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
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I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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