I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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