I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I have aggressive nipples.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
