Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
