someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Randomize
