She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
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bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
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He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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