Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
