just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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