I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
