I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
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