she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
