i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
