This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
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Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
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We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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