I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
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please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
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I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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