my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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