Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
