i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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