The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
