Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
