The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
time to smoke my breakfast
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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