Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
