make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
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He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
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The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize