So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
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They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
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He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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