Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
