Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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