My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You can't just leave with hair like that
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
