i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
