I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
