get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
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Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
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Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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