i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
