btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
