i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
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he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
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You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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