I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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