I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
