I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
