I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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