I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
