im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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