So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You have to summon your inner elephant
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
