You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
are you so shy because you have an std?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
