my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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