i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
