Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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