a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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