omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
There are leaves in my underwear?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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