The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
