can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
