So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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