I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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