$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
