I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
