Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
It's rum buckets o'clock
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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