sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
